Top ten signs I'm getting too fat

• The conductor on the train charges me a step-up fare for my ass now.
• My shirt button flew off in the car and shattered the windshield, sending the car over a cliff where it burst into flames.
• Target no longer carries my pants size. Even Wal-Mart doesn't. I have to go to Fat Hank's Pants Hut in Corona, which is closed on Saturdays.
• I was asked to sit in an aisle seat on the train to give it a better shot at making it through the tunnel.
• I failed the pencil test--with my navel.
• I was banned from the Olive Garden "Endless Pasta Bowl" night. In fact, they banned all people named Josh to avoid discrimination suits.
• I have been avoiding NYC on Thanksgiving week ever since I broke free of my tethers in a brisk wind three years ago and crushed a 34-year-old mother of two.
• I don't have the energy to make it all the way across the supermarket now, so I start with frozen foods and aim towards fruit and veg.
• I stitched a racing stripe down the side of my underpants to give myself a sconch of extra room.
• I accidentally started "the wave" at an Islanders game, as the people in neighboring seats kept pushing my gut back and forth out of their way, creating a mesmerizing ripple effect.