Disney Hell

OK, maybe not Hell. But I just returned from several days in Orlando, and it was an interesting week to say the least.

It all started with the flight down to Orlando. It is traditional for TSA to open up your bags to take a peek, but their new policy is to open up all your pill bottles and put them back without reclosing them, so that when you get your bag your clothes are covered with a riot of ibuprofen. They no longer even put the "your shit got touched by the TSA" cards in your bag when they do this.

Disney World is swathed in banners proclaiming the "Happiest Celebration on Earth!" This left me to wonder what was the saddest celebration on earth? I'm thinking it was Bush's inauguration gala in 2001.

There's a lot of great new stuff going on in the Magic Kingdom. Once you work your way past the signs saying "Epcot Resorts Blvd closed while we repave the magic," you enter a world of fantasy and wonderment. We wanted to start with a character breakfast with Snow White, but she wasn't appearing due to a yeast infection. So we ordered the special in-room version. As it turned out, it consisted of Belle walking into your room, sitting down at your desk, smoking a Parliament, drinking a Sanka, and walking out in silence. Or at least I think it was Belle - the rest of my pills were missing when I went to look for them later.

There were a lot of refurbished attractions. The new Tower of Terror VI ride is scarier than ever. You're trapped in an elevator for an hour, James Blunt blasting through the intercom, with no one to keep you company but a crying, sunburned child and his dad. The dad is wearing a red Speedo and pretending that he's not the one farting.

Downtown Disney is a lot nicer these days since they gave all the homeless characters a one-way bus ticket to move to Uptown Disney. They've got all kinds of upscale, Disneyfied entertainment like "Disney's Risque Princesses presents Mulan Rouge." In my opinion, the comedy club needs more comedians wearing full "sad clown" makeup while telling raunchy jokes about their sex lives.

If you want to have an adult's night out, the Swan now offers the Evil Stepmother's Kid Klub. Kids age 5-12 get to sit in tiny plastic chairs and color in Lion King activity books all day in a room overlooking a 5-acre grotto pool and sand play area.

There are two ways to get to Disney from the airport. Remember Daisy Duck? Seen her lately? Thought not. That's because she drives a Mears shuttle from the airport. You can also rent a car, but be forewarned that while Hertz Number One Club Gold is great, it's available to only the richest kings in Europe. The rest of us are eligible for Hertz Number Two Club Brown, which entitles you to a Dodge Dart with a clean ashtray.

All in all, lots of fun. But then came the trip home....