Saturday, March 28, 2009

Cost-saving measures at work

Our internal news site asks for letters and other employee contributions. We were recently asked for ideas to continue cost savings. I submitted a list of what I thought were great ideas, but unfortunately they were not used. I changed the company name to be generic throughout the note, but that pretty much falls apart when the note starts talking about the upcoming Windows release.

We've all felt the effect of our company's cost-savings measures in recent months. First, we would like to thank you all for doing your part to help us stay the great company we are. Effective next Monday, we are implementing additional cost-savings plans that will improve our profitability by almost $800 in FY09. Please take a moment to familiarize yourself with these new guidelines for a leaner company.

1. All personnel will be asked to save 25% on their travel expenses. Company preferred hotels now include Motel 4.5 and Super 6.

2. In order to trim the cost of airfare, all employees must share a seat when traveling on the same route. The senior employee will get the seat, and the junior employee must dress as an infant and ride on a lap. Level 68+ employees still retain use of their private jets.

3. We are always looking to provide inexpensive but nutritious meals, so our cafeterias are pleased to participate in the FDA Recall Buyback program. Today's healthful entree will be peanut paste-crusted Field Roast.

4. We are looking to get a handle on construction costs. All parking spaces on campus will be repainted as compact-only. This will have no immediate effect on most employees, since you ignore this anyway and triple-park Escalades, H2s, and Excursions in these spots.

5. The towel service provided on campus will be retained, but the towels provided may say "Stolen from Overlake Hospital" on them.

6. In your next meeting, look at the person on your left. Now look at the person to your right. Would you start paying attention to the meeting now instead of looking all around the room, you time thief? Thanks.

7. All art hanging in our buildings will be sold off and replaced with framed copies of unsold Magic School Bus Explores the Human Nose software.

8. Do not flush! Each floor will have a designated Flush Marshal who will be in charge of flushing all toilets on campus every two days.

9. We are removing the overhead of hot water and soap from rest rooms on campus. As a good corporate citizen, we will be using reclaimed water in the sinks, and the towels will be those rolls of recycled brown paper. Yes, those horrible ones that are less absorbent than wax paper.

10. All building-sized banners will be hand-written with erasable marker to encourage reuse. Congratulations on your product launch, Win ow 7!

11. When purchasing a new mobile phone for work, purchase one that promises "total office access." These phones are designed to gossip about coworkers who are out sick, steal your stapler, and if you hit *39 a Diet Cherry Coke will come out of it.

12. The 2009 Company Meeting will be held at a secret location. The first 50 callers to the Q-103 Morning Zoo Qrazy Line will get tickets. Attendance is mandatory.

13. Networking costs have skyrocketed over the past decade. We are pleased to announce a long-term arrangement with NetZero to provide on-site Internet services for only $9.99 a month. If another employee is online, we ask that you not pick up your phone to make a call until they're finished.

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