Friday, June 20, 2003

Stay healthy

Well, it looks like my letter didn’t make MicroNews, so I’m going to publish it here instead. Last week, the Snooze gave us another burst of letters from employees who helpfully pointed out that you should wash your hands after you use the toilet. But I’ve got a bunch of great tips as well! Out of concern for other employees, here’s the letter.
Dear MicroNews:

Thanks for the letters last week explaining the easy ways we can all stop the spread of illness at Microsoft. Who knew that washing one's hands could help fight the transmission of colds and flu? However, the letters did leave out several simple steps you can take to ensure that your employment at Microsoft is virtually germ-free.

· If you're sick, come into work and talk to as many people as you can. This will help clean the germs out of your system more quickly.
· Whenever you use a rest room on campus, you should follow up with a quick shower in the nearest locker room. If your building doesn't have one, hourly buses depart for the Pro Club from in front of Buildings 5 and 34.
· If freshets of blood start spurting out of your nose during a status meeting, wait patiently until it's your turn, then ask for a napkin.
· When you travel on official Microsoft business, refrain from performing any breathing whatsoever while on airplanes.
· Sleep deprivation is a common cause of immune system weakness. If you find yourself working late, take a nap while driving home like everyone else does.
· Whatever you do, don't ever - EVER - wear anything but official Microsoft-issued swag.
· It's surprisingly inexpensive to get yourself shrink-wrapped at a marina every winter. You can continue to feed through a 0.2 micron straw, which should keep out most harmful bacteria.
· Don't get caught goofing off at work. Microsoft Research has secretly developed several ways to make your illness look like an "accident."
· Don't claim that you've "received treatment at the Mayo Clinic," when all you've actually done is eaten mayo packets on a stale roll for lunch because you were too busy to leave your office.
· Many viruses can jump across species, so don't bring your dog into work unless he has at least five years of experience with Visual Basic and is passionate about kibble.
· When you head outside for a smoke break, make sure to wear a surgical mask so that you don't accidentally inhale any potentially dangerous pollen while enjoying your cool, refreshing drags.
· Working out and eating right are the two best things you can do to stay healthy. Just something to look forward to when you retire. Hey, I think someone brought in Krispy Kremes!

Joshua Trupin
Executive Editor, MSDN Magazine

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