Oh yes...there will be grease

I have neglected to fully describe a recent dining experience that every American must know about.

A couple of weeks ago, my son had a late Saturday afternoon game in New Hyde Park. It was about 7 PM by the time we got out of the rink. We were hungry.

We passed through Westbury, looking for food. Our first choice was California Pizza Kitchen. We drove over, parked, and went inside. An hour and a half wait for a table for two. Forget it. We packed up and drove a couple hundred feet to Olive Garden. Got out, same story. Over an hour for a table. Undaunted, we tried again. Casual dining establishments in Westbury are arranged in descending order, so our next stop was Ruby Tuesday's. No dice, and no food.

One last chance. Across the street, a Boston Market sat alone and lonely. We pulled in and parked behind the restaurant. The parking lot was flooded after a week of rain, but we slogged through a few inches of parking lot water with slick on top.

Boston Market always gives me indigestion. I haven't ascertained blame - it could be the greasy chicken, or it could be the greasy stuffing. In order to beat the odds, I decided on a sirloin sandwich. They didn't have sirloin. I ended up with a chicken sandwich after all.

I took our tray and navigated around a wet floor, complete with wet floor sign, to a table. The table was gaily decorated with two plastic carnations, leaving not quite enough room for the tray. We sat down and started our consolation meal.

An employee with a mop and bucket trundled past us while we were in mid-meal. He looked like he'd been doing quite a bit of mopping. An older couple at the next table asked the guy why there was so much water on the floor. Mop guy looked around and responded, "It's been raining all week. The sewer overflowed," then continued on his shit-soaking-up ways.

Soon thereafter, the indigestion struck.

I'm officially a professional photographer!

I have sold 45 copies of hockey photos off my site this month. Total profit to me: a sweet $3.68. EAT SHIT, ANSEL ADAMS!!!!!!

Long Island Rail Road

Today's Newsday reports that the MTA has decided how to spend some of the surplus it gathered by raising my monthly train ticket from $200 to $267 in two years. They're going to give away free rides!

LIRR riders purchasing December monthly tickets will receive a free 10-trip pass good through the end of February that they can give away, but travel must be at off-peak times. Weekly ticket holders will get one free off-peak ticket. There are no daily discounts for LIRR riders.

So your "discount" is to give people who HAVE ALREADY PAID FOR UNLIMITED RIDES IN A MONTH a ticket good for free rides? Hey, that's so great! That really helps me and my monthly ticket out. Why not just give me an LIRR baseball cap turned upside-down and filled with crap?

Referrer traffic

I'm noticing some extra activity on this blog (5 hits a day instead of 0), and got to wondering where it all came from. Fortunately, StatCounter has the answer:

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Putzier

The Denver Broncos have a player named Putzier. The announcers on this game are trying to pronounce his name so as not to make it a word.

I am never taking the train again

I got on the 7 train out to Queens this afternoon, and things were going OK. Not that crowded, no one seemed annoying. At Grand Central, we picked up a load of people. This 30-something guy sat down, took out an aerosol container of Degree anti-perspirant, and started spot spraying all over his shirt. Powder scent flying everywhere.

"Well," I figured, "at least I'm having a better day than one passenger in this car."

As the train passed into the East River tunnel, my attention wandered to this older gentleman who was standing at the other door, facing me. He was ooooold. You could saw him in half to count the rings, but he'd probably disintigrate. He was still fairly tall, and trying to strike a dignified pose as he stood there. Then my eyes involuntarily jiggled a bit, and I realized I was staring right into the groin of an old man who just pissed himself. He was drenched. I held my composure and quickly jumped off the subway at Hunters Point.

I took the long walk from the Hunters Point subway stop to the coincidentally named Hunterspoint LIRR station. I got on the LIRR train, and awaited departure. As we pulled out, I looked up and Whiz Guy came shambling down the aisle, alighting in a seat across from mine. He sat by the window and crossed his legs.

I couldn't deal with an hour watching him, so I moved three seats down. The train stopped at Jamaica, and for some reason it got jam-packed with people. Not a single seat free. I knew someone would be stuck sitting next to Whiz Guy.

I minded my own business until the train got to Bay Shore. I got up as the train went through West Islip, and walked past my Pee Friend. A woman was sitting next to him, and she appeared to be near tears. I looked over at the guy, and he had found napkins. He was sitting there mopping himself up, clutching a pile of bright yellow towelettes.

So anyway, I am never taking the train again.

Spooky

I got a Spooky Sounds machine at K-Mart today. It's remote controlled. You press a button and it makes one of several tinny, mechanical "spooky sounds." Why did I spend $9.99 on this piece of Chinese mastercraftsmanship? It was the testimonials on the back that really did it for me. A skull said "What was that noise??" The ghost replied "I don't know but it's scaring me!"

Think about it. The ghost was confiding in a GRINNING, TALKING SKULL about how scary the tinny, mechanical "spooky sounds" were. I figured that if it upset a spirit from the underworld, my neighborhood kids would be positively crapping themselves when they heard it. Further reports to come!

Prestigious, non-accredited terror alerts

This is such a monumental load of crap. Mayor Bloomberg's been getting some bad publicity over the past week. He refused to take part in a mayoral debate at the Apollo Theater, which is usually considered the heart of Harlem and black culture in NYC. So on the afternoon of the debate, he needed to flip the headlines. And voila, TERROR ALERT. All of a sudden, a "credible, unverified threat" against the subway system materialized just in time for the evening news cycle.

A brief history of crap like this. In 1983, 241 Marines were blown up in Lebanon. Two days later, Reagan invaded Grenada to change the topic. In 1998, Clinton attacked Iraq on the eve of the impeachment vote. In 2004, Tom Ridge announced that they were raising the threat level to orange (where it had already been) because of a three year old story about people casing NY-area landmarks. Right as John Kerry was getting his nomination. What do all these stories have in common? Hmmmm. HMMMMM.

Well, add yet another chapter to this - a phony terror alert designed to draw attention away from another story that could be damaging to an incumbent. Oh, there's an imminent threat all right - it took place at the Apollo Theater last night.

And talking about a "credible, nonverified threat" is the same thing as selling your "prestigious, non-accredited" university. Sure, it sounds like you're getting Yale. But you end up with Matchbook Institute of Technology. Go M.I.T.!!

Not a lease - you OWN IT!

Ironic RSS feed from Google News this morning:

Generals upgrade assessment of Iraq
Indianapolis Star - 1 hour ago
On TV news shows, Casey and Abizaid offer more hope than they did to Congress. New 2005 Toyota Tacoma $199 month for 60 months, 0% APR - Not a Lease - You Own it!