Wednesday, November 30, 2005

LIRR's Christmas gift

I bought my December LIRR ticket today. With each monthly you purchase, you're given the special gift of a ten-ride off-peak ticket. Which, when you think of it for a second or two, is ABSOLUTELY FUCKING USELESS. They sat there and said "let's think of the refund that seems the most generous but which will actually be almost completely unused, so we'll be able to put a big expenditure on the books and not actually account for it." Ten-ride tickets, ladies and gentlemen!

But it was the way the clerk at Penn Station gave me the ticket that really had my gorge rising to my eyeballs. He slid the ticket out to me and said "Merry Christmas ticket from the LIRR." Well, I have NEVER been so offended in my life. You see, it's NOT a Merry Christmas ticket. It's a Happy Holidays ticket. How DARE this punk fifty-year-old extend a warm greeting of the seasons to me? Fuck this, I'm going to go have him fired now. That's right, I've declared ALL-OUT WAR ON CHRISTMAS. I am, ladies and gentlemen, American society. Yes, that's right! Fuck you, Christmas.

And fuck Target for, well, something or other. I think they said Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas over their 64 aisles of wreaths, break-dancing Santas, mistletoe belt buckles, holly-themed boxer shorts, antlers for beagles, Jingle M&Ms, candy cane walking sticks, "Tis The Seasonings" gourmet peppercorn mix, Coke-guzzling polar bear ornaments, and Frosty the Snowman line of feminine protection. It really ruins the religious nature of the season to be saying Happy Holidays over all of this disposable consumer shit. Disclaimer: "Oh, and Chanukah too. Hey, that's super."

3 comments:

Jon said...

I would think this holiday would be your favorite.

After all, it represents the birth of the man you will eventually hunt down and kill. You're an Isles fan! Doesn't that do ANYTHING for your blood lust??!?

Peter Taylor said...

I believe the holiday is called "Xmas", not "Christmas".

Laura said...

Coke-guzzling polar bears? THOSE FILTHY ANTI-SEMITES.