Friday, November 18, 2005

Turkey and gravy soda? Now THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS!!!

This time of year has always been rife with holiday tradition. The day before Thanksgiving provides us the warm comfort of a news feature showing how they actually inflate those Macy's Parade balloons, including this year's newest shitty corporate float - maybe a three-story-tall blue Viagra pill or the Chex Mix Gorilla.

Thanksgiving brings football action, featuring the same yearly story during the halftime news break about a rest home in Mamaroneck who all got food poisoning from yams.

The day after Thanksgiving always features thousands of Santas emerging from a subway stop to take position next to fundraising kettles in the street, like a giant game of "Spot the Pedophile."

Over the past few years, we've added yet another tradition to this list: the "unveiling" of shitty, ironic "holiday" flavors by Jones Soda. WHY does the media continue to report this story year after year? Wow, they made turkey and gravy flavored soda. No one would ever drink THAT! They've made a product that's designed to be given as jokes and perhaps vomited at an office party, and they release it as "new" every year, and in January you can go to the remainders shelf at Target and get it. And every year, some moron covers this as a "lifestyle" story. It's not. No one lives the limited edition salmon-flavored soda lifestyle. It's just some company that can't even figure out how to put proper cherry flavoring in their cherry soda, getting some cheap publicity with the same stunt every year. The only danger is that this will accidentally cause some people to taste the "regular" Jones Soda flavors and realize just how second-rate this stuff is. Coke or Die!

Here are some other flavorful ideas that can get some companies lots of free holiday publicity!

"King Kong Tastes Like Crap M&Ms"
"Turkey-flavored Rolaids"
"Jean Nate, Christmas Seven Fishes Scent"
"Anything in egg nog flavor"


Jon said...

Jones Soda was thought up by a bunch of Canadians. Of course it makes no sense and is completely fucked up. Which, of course, is why we buy it in droves.

Fucking Canadians.

Joshua Trupin said...

Hey, could you maybe scrawl a few more profanities in the window here? Yeesh!

I bet these freakbags are all Canadians too.

Jon said...

I swear profusely because I know there are really two people that read your blog besides myself:

Peter - one of those dirty Canadians.

Laura - to check up on you to make sure you're not telling horrible stories about her.

Peter Taylor said...

Now your scawled profanities will be here for the next 20 years. Every time I re-read this blog entry for the next 20 years I will see your profanities scrawled here. Where were you raised?

Ookami Snow said...

I tried the soda, and yes it sucks. Big time.

But i did get otheres to try it too, and i recoreded them, and then posted the videos on my blog... so if you want to see how bad the soda sucks, check out the videos...

ps, they suck alot.

Joshua Trupin said...

Why did you and others try the soda? Are you in some sort of state college?