Monday, October 6, 2003

Woodland friends

Good morning! Edina's nailed it again. Three for three. Thanks, Scheissehund!

I cruised up to Trader Joe's yesterday and bought a nice big bag of snacks. Dried cherries, dried tangerines, mint chocolate UFOs, dried ginger, you name it (as long as "it" is three types of dried fruit and some chocolate). I left it in a shopping bag so that I could take it to work this morning. When I woke up, I found an empty bag of dried tangerines, an empty bag of UFOs, and an empty bag of dried ginger. My woodland friends had somehow gotten into the house and eaten over a pound of food overnight. I've decided that we either have 400 mice or eight raccoons. Either way, I'm not pleased.

I called Suburban Pest Control. Their schtick is that they have a termite-sniffing beagle, Seemor. I forgot it was Yom Kippur, but I found out that Seemor (last name Schwartzbaum) was taking the day off for atonement. I can only imagine what he could've sniffed out at our place. Suburban's theory is that mice are getting in under the front door, because "they have cartilage, not bones." Surprisingly, that wasn't Seemor's opinion, it was a human's.

One of the things that was missing from the Coliseum was our old friend Jill Nicolini. For those of you who don't know the whole sordid story, Jill is a local Long Island "personality". She's had various gigs around town, including posing in Playboy and being the Coliseum hostess. That job entailed dressing in a body suit or similar garb and walking through the stands with a microphone, announcing the Lucky Puck Shuffle during TV timeouts. Jill was a fixture at Isles games. Then one day, she was gone without a trace. Rumors flew. Was she okay? Did her job on Metro Weather finally crush her will to live? Our minds were soon put at ease when she appeared as a contestant in the Fox springtime sleazefest "Married By America". The object of that show was to get married. The highlight was a trip to Farmingville to meet Jill's parents. They must've called central casting for a prototypical Long Island goombah, because her dad was amazing. I spend all this time talking up Long Island to everyone I know, and with a single appearance on TV, this guy ruins all my hard work. He could've at least put a shirt on!

So anyway, both finalist couples backed out at the last minute, leading to cynical thoughts that the show was actually just being used as a showcase for four aspiring actors. Back at the Coliseum was replaced as hostess by Firedancer Dina. Dina's distinguishing characteristic is that her breasts are at least 16" too big for her body. During appearances, she has to wear at least one article of clothing made out of lead so that she doesn't just float off. It's the most incredible piece of fake bodywork I've seen since the guy who decided to become a lizard.

Anyway, back to Jill, she just got a gig modeling for Rubies costumes. Say what you want, that gig on Fox sure led her to bigger and better things.

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