Monday, October 16, 2006

Top ten signs I'm getting too fat

  • The conductor on the train charges me a step-up fare for my ass now.
  • My shirt button flew off in the car and shattered the windshield, sending the car over a cliff where it burst into flames.
  • Target no longer carries my pants size. Even Wal-Mart doesn't. I have to go to Fat Hank's Pants Hut in Corona, which is closed on Saturdays.
  • I was asked to sit in an aisle seat on the train to give it a better shot at making it through the tunnel.
  • I failed the pencil test--with my navel.
  • I was banned from the Olive Garden "Endless Pasta Bowl" night. In fact, they banned all people named Josh to avoid discrimination suits.
  • I have been avoiding NYC on Thanksgiving week ever since I broke free of my tethers in a brisk wind three years ago and crushed a 34-year-old mother of two.
  • I don't have the energy to make it all the way across the supermarket now, so I start with frozen foods and aim towards fruit and veg.
  • I stitched a racing stripe down the side of my underpants to give myself a sconch of extra room.
  • I accidentally started "the wave" at an Islanders game, as the people in neighboring seats kept pushing my gut back and forth out of their way, creating a mesmerizing ripple effect.


mrs rod bernson said...

Aw, honey, it just means you'll be warm during the winter. Also, could you maybe grease your sides when you walk in the front door? The wood's beginning to splinter.

Peter Taylor said...

I know how to cure your disgusting fatness. Next time you're in Redmond come with me to the gym. Then I'll repeatedly kick you in the stomach until you throw up. Your body can't store food as fat if you throw it up first, right? Right?

Joshua Trupin said...

Good suggestion. So you've read "The Burger King Diet" too?